One of our members sent in this incredible story today. With their permission I’m sharing it with you all (a) because they’re an incredible story teller and I think you’ll all enjoy it, and (b) because there’s learnings in there for all of us. First the story, then my response.

I performed my first wedding on Saturday.  The venue was a small historic chapel that’s now a wedding venue. Very beautiful. Everything went well and I was told afterwards that I was amazing and flawless, so that was good. But the experience gave me a huge “takeaway” that I now refer to as “The Photographer, The Dress, And Me”.

So I arrive 45 minutes early, psyched and ready to go. There had been no rehearsal, but that’s okay. I’ve rehearsed by myself over and over, I can do this. The coordinator greets me and shows me to a narrow platform, one step high, running the width of the chapel, at the end of the aisle. There’s a signing table and chairs at one side. An arrangement of plinths with floral displays across the back. I’m told that the couple, best man, bridesmaid, and I will all be standing on this narrow platform.  It doesn’t seem like a lot of space for five people, plus the signing table and the flowers.

Stretching across the back of  the narrow platform is another step leading to a larger space that spreads out beneath the stained glass window and which would hold all of us very comfortably. But that space is empty. I suppose it would be putting too much distance between the couple and their guests if it was used. Fair enough. Not to worry. All will be fine on the narrow platform.

Then the photographer approaches and asks if I would please stand to the side for the duration of the ceremony, so the focus is all on the couple. He doesn’t want a third wheel in his pictures. I see his point, so I agree. But I let him know that I’ll have to move into the couple’s space at a few points during the ceremony so they can speak into the microphone.  Yep, that’s fine, all good. So I decide to stand on the side that does not have the signing table. That way I’ll have more room. It’ll look more balanced. Everyone’s happy.

So I’m standing there, just a little to the side, as the music starts and the doors open. The bride comes in and wow! What a dress! It’s stunning. And it’s BIG.

Like, she-can’t-properly-get-through-the-chapel-doors-with-her-father, BIG. And it has a train. At first I’m struck by what a vision she is. But then as she comes closer, I’m struck by something else.

Logistics.

Will there be enough room on the narrow platform for The Dress?

The bride is helped up the step by her groom. They stand facing each other as the bridesmaid arranges The Dress and its train so it spreads out across the narrow platform. Right where I’m standing. I keep taking steps back but swathes of shimmering white are advancing like an incoming tide. I take more steps, trying to make more room. But there are plinths, and a wall, and a bridesmaid, and now I’m stuck in a corner, trapped by yards of silk chiffon.

What am I going to do?  Can people still see me? Do I look ridiculous wedged against the wall? I take a breath, move forward a couple of steps, and yes, everyone can see me. I’m a bit further back than I’d planned, but it’s going to be okay. I start speaking. All is going well. But now the couple are looking back at me, not at each other; the bride twisting her head over her shoulder so she can see me. With subtle eye movements I try to tell them to gaze into each other’s eyes, not mine.  At least, I think they’re subtle movements and hopefully I don’t look like one of those beannie toys with the googly eyes rolling around.

They eventually get the message, and look at each other, but now I’m starting to wish I wasn’t standing here. And as it approaches vow time, with the necessity for me to move into their space, the full impact of The Dress becomes clear.

I really am trapped. How do I get across to the bride and groom without stepping on The Dress? Do I climb up the next step and walk across the larger area at the back, and then climb back down again, pushing my way through the floral arrangements like I’m hacking through the jungle with a microphone? No. Instead I do a sort of sideways shuffle, squeezing between the plinths and the dress like an elegant crab, smiling warmly with every step. And there’s a ripple of soft laughter from the guests. Okay, good. They understand my predicament. They get it.

When the vows are finished, I decide to move to the other side of the narrow platform, and stand with the signing table and the best man while I finish the ceremony. Here I can breathe. Here I have space. But as I wind things up, my mind is racing. Did I look ridiculous? Was it awkward and clumsy? Have I spoilt everything? And…why did I not move as soon as I realised what was happening? Why did I still follow the photographer’s request when it became obvious that it would be problematic? I should have owned the situation more. Why didn’t I express my concerns to the coordinator when I arrived? Because I’m new and inexperienced, I know.

But also, because no-one could have anticipated The Dress.

So now I have learned three things from my first wedding which I will always remember:

Firstly, always ask about the size of the actual ceremony space – don’t assume just because I’ve seen a venue ahead of time that the space I’m shown is the space that will be used.

Secondly, listen to the photographer and coordinator but don’t let them dictate where I stand if I don’t think it will work. Speak up if I have concerns or questions.

And thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, always, always, ask about the size of The Dress.

Next wedding is in April.  You can be sure I’ll be asking all these questions in advance.

What a rollercoaster!

Here’s a few things I came up with that might help this celebrant in the future (other than those they’d already identified!)

I ran a lot of rehearsals in my early years, particularly in venues I’d never worked in before. It saved my bacon once in my first year when, like this celebrant, I discovered a tiny little stage that was definitely not going to fit the 2 groomsmen and 2 bridesmaids on either side of the couple as is tradition – one side was completely taken up with the signing table. We ended up with them all on one side, girls in front of boys, sort of staggered so the boys could be seen, and I stood in front of the table. I was much relieved to have discovered that at rehearsal where we could troubleshoot it and end up with the best solution, rather than discovering it on the day!

I would have asked the coordinator why the back space wasn’t being used – there may have been a reason, or it might simply be something nobody had thought of before. Sometimes in a space like that the couple will actually stand up on the back/top space with everyone else on the step, allowing a bit more room for the dress. At the very least, could the plinths with flowers and/or the table be shifted to the back space? Always feel free to challenge and ask questions about why something has been set up the way it has. Never worry about things like distance between couple and guests – that’s really not a drama.

It’s not okay for the photographer to dictate where we stand. It’s totally fine for them to ask us to be out of the way for the kiss, but everything else is up to us and the couple, and I know this celebrant will definitely build the confidence to stand their ground on that one. The wedding goes for, what, six hours? There’s plenty of time for the photographer to get photos just of the couple without anyone else in them. The half hour of the ceremony is ours to choreograph.

Now where the celebrant stands is an important discussion to have with your couple, especially if you’re not holding a rehearsal. Many celebrants offer their couples a choice, but I tend to tell them what I do and I’ve rarely had an argument. This article explains it all: https://celebrant.institute/ceremony/where-i-stand-during-the-ceremony-sarahs-view/

In terms of the bride craning over her shoulder to look at the celebrant, as you’ll see in that article I like the couple to face their guests for the first part of the ceremony. They can see everyone’s reactions, and they can see the celebrant more easily if they’re standing at the side. Plus staring at each other for 30 minutes is weird and awkward 🙂

Feel free to not be subtle when you’re telling the couple what to do during the ceremony. During my paragraph just before I pronounce them married, they’re facing each other holding hands and one or both of them will often try to look at me and I will literally say out loud “look at her, not at me!” It always gets a laugh, and works perfectly. I give my couples choreography instructions out loud all through the ceremony, and at the beginning when I’m making sure they’re in the middle of the aisle etc I’ll often say “yes, I’m very bossy!” which also gets a good laugh and breaks the ice a bit.

Above all, I suggested that this celebrant not beat themselves up. They were put in an untenable position by other vendors who frankly should know better. They didn’t own the situation more because it was their first wedding and they assumed the other vendors knew what they were talking about! It takes time to build the confidence to stand up to more experienced vendors, and I promise it will come with time.

I thought in all, the celebrant should be really pleased with themselves. They’re absolutely winning here – they got amazing feedback, and they’ve reflected and learned some great lessons. It’s all upwards from here!

Do you have any advice for this celebrant or others reading this?