When I sit down with a couple for the first time, I always buy their coffee. Not just because I’m a nice guy (which, let’s be honest, everyone already knows I am), but because it works.
It’s a tactic straight out of the mafia playbook. Before any negotiation, before anyone even mentions terms or deals, they’d start by giving the other person something — often a coffee. Why? Because it flips the power dynamic in a subtle but powerful way. The moment you receive something, your brain lights up with an invisible thread: obligation.
This is reciprocity bias in action. It’s one of the strongest forces in human psychology. And if you’re not using it as a celebrant, you’re leaving connection (and bookings) on the table.
What Is Reciprocity Bias?
In simple terms: when someone gives you something, you feel compelled to give something back.
It’s not about manipulation. It’s about human nature.
Anthropologists believe this instinct is wired deep into us from a time when cooperation meant survival. In modern terms, it’s why you might feel the urge to say yes to a free sample at the supermarket, or feel bad walking away after someone offers a “free quote.”
How Celebrants Can Use It (Without Being Gross)
This isn’t about tricking couples. It’s about starting relationships with generosity. Here’s how:
1. Buy the damn coffee
If you’re meeting in person, shout the first round. If you’re meeting on Zoom, you could send them a digital coffee voucher or even just say “Next one’s on me.” It’s the gesture that matters.
2. Send something before the meeting
A beautiful welcome guide, a handwritten card, a personalised video. Something that says: I’m already invested in this connection.
3. Give value freely
Whether it’s ceremony ideas, helpful articles, or honest feedback — being generous with your knowledge builds trust and triggers the reciprocity effect. The more useful you are, the more they want to work with you.
4. Leave people better than you found them
Even if they don’t book, your goal should be to have them walk away thinking, “That was time well spent.” You don’t need to chase every sale. When you give generously, referrals, goodwill, and bookings tend to follow.
The Science Backs It
Robert Cialdini, in his classic book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, calls reciprocity “one of the most potent weapons of influence.” People will go out of their way to avoid feeling like a freeloader.
We’ve all felt it. Someone gives you something — a gift, a favour, a compliment — and even if you didn’t ask for it, something in you wants to respond in kind.
That’s reciprocity bias. And when used with integrity, it’s one of the most powerful tools a celebrant can use to create connection and build a sustainable, referral-based business.
You don’t need sales tricks or pressure tactics. Just be a generous human. Give first. Offer value. Buy the coffee. People remember how you made them feel — and feeling looked after from the start is hard to walk away from.
