Jeff asks:
When/how did you now it was ok to not share ceremony content with the couple but just have them trust you on the day of? Couples and guests really love what I put together (I guess I’ve figured out that much ha!) and I have lots of reviews that say it’s great – removing the step of sharing content would literally make things faaaar easier, just wondering how to get couples on board with that or when it’s ok to do that.
This is such a good question Jeff, and the answer is far deeper than you imagined.
When I became a celebrant I witnessed a common theme amongst celebrants where the normal mode of operation was that a couple who have never been married before, and have never planned a wedding before, who have never created a ceremony before, were given the job of creating a ceremony and approving a final draft of the ceremony script.
That was always an absurd thought to me. It’s like me walking into Ford and telling them how to build a car to sell me. I not only lack the skill and talent to build a car, I’m literally paying Ford to build a car, they’re car building experts, I really should trust them.
So that’s how I presented my celebrancy service.
Of course the ceremony is created in a personal manner, but the couple don’t know what makes a good ceremony or a bad one, and even if they think they do, they don’t know how to translate their taste in wedding ceremony into a ceremony designed to encourage, celebrate, and marry them.
So even if I interviewed them and went away and created a ceremony on my own, to then hand them a draft of a ceremony and expect them to give it the ok is ludicrous.
It’s like handing a script for the next Mission Impossible movie to me. I am a terrible actor, and I do not possess the skills to read a script well, to imagine how a script would play out in a film, and in the edit, and I especially do not possess the skills to judge whether a movie script is a good one or not.
So I don’t think that most couples have the required skills to accurately judge a wedding ceremony script.
They can fact check stories, names, dates, etc. But I would do that in person, or on the phone, checking that things line up well. I take copious notes on what they tell me to do, and not to do, and I make sure my plans match theirs.
Dealing with the surprise
A couple experiencing their wedding ceremony fresh on their wedding day isn’t a surprise unless you brand it as such.
I tell my couples that I have their wedding ceremony planned and it’s going to be awesome. If they have questions about it I let them know, but the underlying communication there is that I tell them what they need to know and the rest they will experience fresh on the day. I communicate that I have got this and all of my marketing, branding, and communication up until now has been of the theme that I am really good at this and that’s why you hired me.
So it’s not a surprise, it’s just me doing my job.
I completely disagree with this, which I’m sure won’t come as much of a surprise to anyone who’s ever spoken to me 🙂
Yes, we are the experts in what creates a great ceremony, but the couple are the experts in them and their family and friends. I can’t tell you how many couples (and funeral families) have come back to me after reading their ceremony draft and asked me to change a single word that didn’t sit right with them, or to take out something that they thought was okay when they told it to me in our meeting/questionnaire, but when they read it in the script they no longer wanted it included.
I know there is a real movement towards not sending draft scripts to couples before the wedding now (and obviously given Josh doesn’t use a script it would be bloody difficult for him to send a draft), but for me and my clients, the draft thing works. If you and your clients are okay with no drafts, all power to you, but for me and my clients, it’s not a path we want to go down 🙂
I hope it’s no surprise to anyone reading this that you and I already respectfully disagreed on this.
My simple argument back, is that people are making edits because you asked them to make an edit.
If you didn’t ask, and then give opportunity, they would never notice and would never say anything.
Definitely respectful disagreement, and it’s something you and I have been discussing for years 🙂
I still don’t agree that they’re making edits for the sake of it – plenty come back with no edits at all. But if there’s even the slightest chance that a single word I’m going to say on their wedding day is going to upset them or any of their family, I’d much prefer to give them the opportunity to fix it before we get there!
I think this is particularly true for funerals. Bereaved people can be hyper sensitive and need to be in control (that’s not a criticism, it’s just a factor of grief), and they might focus on one thing that happened at the funeral and that’s ruined the whole thing for them, regardless of whether the rest of it has been perfect or not. I just never want to have that happen if there’s a way I can avoid it, and there is: send them a draft 🙂